Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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