I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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