planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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