And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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