ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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