Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
