Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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