you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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