OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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