plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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