I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Randomize
