Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
