I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
