eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
