She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
