Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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