She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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