so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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