I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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