i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
