Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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