looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
