I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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