can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
