watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
