god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i've created a new STD.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
