Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
