Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
