So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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