and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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