i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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