I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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