im six kinds of drunk right now
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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