i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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