my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
The best revenge is premature balding
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
