i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
