I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
I wish I only lived at night.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
