Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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