Welp...herpes.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
