The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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