You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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