Porn is love you can see.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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