You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
