dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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