I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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