I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
