Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
