Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Every concussion has its silver lining
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize