Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
