You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
