Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
