Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
