Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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