His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
