does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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