Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
