Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
