just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize