I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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