believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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